Saturday, October 20, 2012

3 years later, I'm still not used to ______.

Tonight's post is dedicated to Ben simply because he ever so kindly informed me today that he's about to perform his annual reading of my blog, except that he didn't read it last year (so he says), so it's not even annual.  That's support.  Here's to you, spouse.

Just to make things clear, I'm not complaining in this post, just rather stating how things are for me now.  It's a good thing to chafe at. 


I went to the bread store today.  To get bread.  Just bread.  I usually pick up a handful of packages of bread all at once so that I only have to go every few weeks.  You know.  Nothing special.

And as I was sitting at the stop light waiting to turn into the place, I was thinking about how I scheduled this errand around when I didn't have to take our 2 girls with me.  And I remembered again that this is how my day-to-day life is now, subdivided into the I-don't-mind-taking-the-girls-with-me errands and the I'd-really-rather-not-wrestle-2-kids-around errands.  Going to the bread store is the latter, for sure (quick stop, tight aisles).  I also limit myself to X number of in-and-outs of the car when I have the girls with me, usually no more than 3.  I'm so over car seats that have straps that twist and a toddler who takes her ever-so-sweet time getting into and out of the thing and takes it as a personal attack if I dare encourage her in the slightest to hurry her self along (exaggeration).

So going to the bread store by myself is something of a luxury for me.  Running errands is a LUXURY.  Getting out of the house for a few minutes by myself...I even argued on my behalf to take the car to get the oil change today where there's only a gritty little waiting area full of weird smells and sticky, split vinyl chairs. 

That's just my personality.  3 years later, I'm still not used to lack of freedom.  The only thing that really grates on me at times is having to coordinate every minute of my day (regardless of whether or not I'm working) around who has the kid(s).  And then, when I very very rarely find myself by myself at home, the crushing enormity of freedom is OVERWHELMING like the first afternoon when you get home from the last day of school.  There's so much to do all at once and you don't. do. anything.

Except smile.

I like the idea of anonymity that freedom affords me.  I like being able to go to a store on a whim or jump in the car if I have a pressing need to do something without arranging around napping/feeding/playing/preschooling/whathaveyou times.  And so sometimes, just for kicks, I decide to do crazy things like go the park on nice days without telling anyone that I'm going to take the kids and go.  THAT's freedom for me now.  And I really like those times when the girls and I just decide to do something (hello Dunkin' Donuts on Friday afternoon when it's too cold and rainy to be nature loving).  Sometimes, we leave the cell phone in the car, too, so it's really like no one know where we are.  Whoa.

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