I’ve been all mother-y lately. It seems that my relationship with my kids is
in a shifting point, and there’s a whole lot of new stuff that we’re exploring
in that realm right now. It’s odd to
feel NEW about mothering after a
decade of experience in this role, but lemme tell you that this is so for me
right now.
Big picture, my time is also just different right now. For the
first time since before I started grade school way back in 2007, I don’t have
a-n-y professional outside requirements on my time other than my full-time
gig. We’re four weeks into the semester
and it still feels odd to have nothing that I have to work on at nights. One might think that this feels like a breath
of fresh air, a break in the stress even.
One might not know me well.
I don’t feel comfortable in extended periods of whatever you
might want to call this. A term like “free
time” springs to mind, I guess.
Note that I didn’t say “I’m not good at this…” or “I hate
this…” but rather “I don’t feel comfortable…” There’s a part of me that does truly delight
in the possibility of calm. But there’s
also a decided part of me that feels all itchy and discombobulated all up in my
psyche. Even though I full support this
time for deep breaths and good books as a boon to my mental health, I don’t
necessarily always enjoy it.
Case in point: I don’t
much care for sweet potatoes. Yet, when
my child is watching me, I choke those mushy bits down because I recognize
their value and want to promote that.
A different aspect of my free bird status right now is that I
feel even more particularly tuned in to the aspect of mothering, and hear me
out on this – I don’t feel compelled to be
more motherly but rather I’m more hyper aware of mothering.
The Elder is heading off to middle school next semester and I’m
fully aware of any number of ways that this will change our relationship. Being a bit more zen with work is enabling me
to truly enjoy some mother-y things with her, and due to some schedule changes
this school year, I often get a bit of time in the afternoons where it is just
her and I alone together. I’m not
implying that we’re braiding each other’s hair on the regular; we often are spending
that time just co-existing. But the
opportunities for low pressure conversations are more readily available, and it’s
delightful to just be a physical presence in her space when she is recalibrating
from the emotions of her day.
The Younger has a feisty streak, it turns out, which became
rampantly present when she was five. Up
to that point, she had been a pretty chill kid, but some burgeoning
independence at that point in her life activated a need to be more dominant and
proactive. This kid is a cuddle bug at
heart whereupon nearly everything can be fixed with presence and touch. These same schedule shifts this school year
have enabled me to engage with this child more independently because I am not
shorting the Elder, who has also been afforded her time. And, just this week, The Younger had an
expander installed to start correcting a significant over bight concern;
nothing screams “YOU’RE A MOTHER!!” like forcing your hand into your child’s
mouth to floss really difficult to reach spots and expand their jaw one crank
at a time.
Maybe it’s the season which is encouraging this level of
introspection, but I blame it on not quite having enough to do. And I’m sure not going to fill my time with
cleaning more. So bring on the books (I
read 13 in January so far with another one all primed to finish today) and the
mounds of blankets.
But I’m also falling asleep by 8:30 every night. That does make it harder to actually read the books. Still.
Bring it, 2020.
