Relaxing? Mothering? It's All of the Above.

I’ve been all mother-y lately.  It seems that my relationship with my kids is in a shifting point, and there’s a whole lot of new stuff that we’re exploring in that realm right now.  It’s odd to feel NEW about mothering after a decade of experience in this role, but lemme tell you that this is so for me right now.

Big picture, my time is also just different right now.  For the first time since before I started grade school way back in 2007, I don’t have a-n-y professional outside requirements on my time other than my full-time gig.  We’re four weeks into the semester and it still feels odd to have nothing that I have to work on at nights.  One might think that this feels like a breath of fresh air, a break in the stress even. 

One might not know me well.

I don’t feel comfortable in extended periods of whatever you might want to call this.  A term like “free time” springs to mind, I guess.

Note that I didn’t say “I’m not good at this…” or “I hate this…” but rather “I don’t feel comfortable…”  There’s a part of me that does truly delight in the possibility of calm.  But there’s also a decided part of me that feels all itchy and discombobulated all up in my psyche.  Even though I full support this time for deep breaths and good books as a boon to my mental health, I don’t necessarily always enjoy it. 

Case in point:  I don’t much care for sweet potatoes.  Yet, when my child is watching me, I choke those mushy bits down because I recognize their value and want to promote that.

A different aspect of my free bird status right now is that I feel even more particularly tuned in to the aspect of mothering, and hear me out on this – I don’t feel compelled to be more motherly but rather I’m more hyper aware of mothering.

The Elder is heading off to middle school next semester and I’m fully aware of any number of ways that this will change our relationship.  Being a bit more zen with work is enabling me to truly enjoy some mother-y things with her, and due to some schedule changes this school year, I often get a bit of time in the afternoons where it is just her and I alone together.  I’m not implying that we’re braiding each other’s hair on the regular; we often are spending that time just co-existing.  But the opportunities for low pressure conversations are more readily available, and it’s delightful to just be a physical presence in her space when she is recalibrating from the emotions of her day.

The Younger has a feisty streak, it turns out, which became rampantly present when she was five.  Up to that point, she had been a pretty chill kid, but some burgeoning independence at that point in her life activated a need to be more dominant and proactive.  This kid is a cuddle bug at heart whereupon nearly everything can be fixed with presence and touch.  These same schedule shifts this school year have enabled me to engage with this child more independently because I am not shorting the Elder, who has also been afforded her time.  And, just this week, The Younger had an expander installed to start correcting a significant over bight concern; nothing screams “YOU’RE A MOTHER!!” like forcing your hand into your child’s mouth to floss really difficult to reach spots and expand their jaw one crank at a time.

Maybe it’s the season which is encouraging this level of introspection, but I blame it on not quite having enough to do.  And I’m sure not going to fill my time with cleaning more.  So bring on the books (I read 13 in January so far with another one all primed to finish today) and the mounds of blankets. 

But I’m also falling asleep by 8:30 every night.  That does make it harder to actually read the books.  Still.  Bring it, 2020.