Saturday, August 3, 2013

Weaning bit by bit

I'm not feeling funny tonight.  No, tonight isn't the time for that because I'm going to ramble about weaning, and I will type this in all honesty--I am struggling.  Little A is going to be 14 months in a week, which is many, many months past the national average and even longer past the local average of breastfeeding from birth.  But what the heck do I care about national or local averages?  I care, deeply, about the soft, snuggly head that nestles into my elbow and the peaceful moments with a warm little body.  I'm not ever (ever, ever) going to do this again, and I have pretty much loved it from first attempt.  Even when it hurt (whoa...teething, what in the world?) and was beyond frustrating.  It's quiet time for both of us and is a perfect little moment in the day to just be.

I've probably written it before (I know that I've said it many a time): I am so very much hoping that this bean actually likes me.  Hyperbole, yes.  But it's a bit twinge-worthy when, as a mother, your child overtly prefers to be comforted by your spouse.  It's awesome and yet it's a little melancholy.  I've joked about it, but I also deeply want one child that prefers me when she's hurt or upset or what have you.  I'm sure that this is a big reason why I'm clinging to breastfeeding as I am.  Is it working?  I don't know (but preliminary signs look to be positive that I have my own little snuggle bug...hallelujah!).  You won't convince me that a bottle with milk are the same; it's not.  She simply does not snuggle down and relax the same when drinking milk from a cup, even when she's on your lap.  I'm losing this perfect little cuddle time with her, and it makes me feel a little weepy.

Circumstances being what they are, I'm scheduled to teach three nights a week this semester, which means that I would be missing three bedtime feedings a week.  That just doesn't make sense, so somewhat unwillingly, we have been transitioning to just a Good morning! feeding.  I'm not sure how long this one will last too, but it's all I have left of babydom.  (I've also been in the process of selling off all of our newborn-1 year baby things, which means that every time I sell one of my favorite baby dresses, sweaters, onesies, or pajamas, it just pummels my heart a little more.  How can you sell off those sweet baby things for $.50, one by one?  Oh, sweet babies.)

Tonight, I feel a little bruisey, and I'm just going to wallow in my melancholy for a little bit.  Someday soon, it will be more sweet than bitter.  But tonight, I took this picture, which isn't an award winning shot or anything, and it reminds me how absolutely thankful for the few, sweet cuddle moments that we have left. 


Crystal said...

She's gonna be a momma's girl the way big A is a daddy's girl. She's adorable, momma A. Thank you for sharing honestly here...and p.s. way to go teaching three nights a week! I like how you snuck that news into the post. :)

Mariah said...

Aww. Even if you can't nurse every night, that doesn't mean you can't on the nights you are home if you still want to, since at this age whether or not they are actually getting anything out is pretty irrelevant, and your supply will adjust beautifully. I'm sure my milk was pretty much long gone by the time I finally stopped the bedtime nursing just before his 2nd birthday (I had absolutely no engorgement or anything after I weaned). And he def. loves his mommy but ADORES his daddy, so you're not alone there, either. :) Congrats on your teaching gig(s).