ISO: a new friend, needed immediately

MMo2 (married mom of two) in search of: a new friend, needed immediately

(actually, needed quite some time ago, so pretty desperate here)

There are a few requirements and taste preferences, so please read each carefully before applying.

*female or male - not picky
*would be nice if you're also a parent, but not a deal breaker
*can demonstrate a high level of sanity (this is a deal breaker)
*understands when I'll go AWOL for a few days, acts like it never happened, and feels comfortable doing the same
*enjoys eating (sometimes I gotta bake and have no where to store more muffins)
*is always up for keeping me company when I get a pedicure
*calls me when you're stuck at the tire place on a Saturday morning
*understands that my kids don't like other people touching them and being in their space
*respectfully agrees to not destroy my hard fought battle to limit excessive amounts of sugar and food dyes in my kids' food
*political preference - your choice (!) so long as we can agree to disagree without the need to always be right or judgy
*doesn't need me to talk incessantly on the phone but does answer my random texts
*trusts me to watch your kids/pets/husband (as the case may be) and know that he/she/it/they will be alive when you return
*feels comfortable walking in my house without knocking first
*understands that I watch baseball a lot
*understands that I don't clean a lot
*understands that I am a cat person but can still love your dog and thus expect the same in return

CUBS FANS NEED NOT APPLY.  I can neither support nor condone your woeful choices and behavior.