Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Mom-ness

When I was waaay preggo back at the beginning of May, I said something to the effect that staying home with Abby would feel a lot like a vacation for me and how I was really looking forward to it. My sister-in-law's mom heard me say it and just laughed at me with something of a deprecatory manner and just went, "Yeah, right..." I so hate that "You're just stupid for thinking that" attitude. It made me feel immature and foolish. Well, I stand by my earlier statement. It does feel like something of a vacation. It was everything in it that I love most--sunny mornings, mugs of hazelnut coffee enjoyed in solitude, productive morning time, and my fav little girl, ever. Hmm...work full time with 100+ snotty, apathetic teenagers and then go to school at night while trying to manage a full load of grading and my own homework OR what I just mentioned as some of the things that I love most. Yes! It's vacation-ish!! I love it.

Surprisingly, I might add. I never saw myself as all that stay-at-home mom-ish. But then again, I told several people in college that if I ever teach for more than 10 years, to please shoot me. I'm going into year 5 and don't see an end in sight. Partly because I'm still 2 classes and a big ol' paper away in the 2-year degree that is taking f-o-r-e-v-e-r. Maybe I enjoy the at-home mom role so much because it really might be my only go at it. Something else that I have never seen myself as--the mom of lots of kids. I've had kind of a 2 kid limit type of mindset for a long time, but really, I'm not even sure that I'm going to make it. It's up for debate in the distant future. I can't fathom more children at this point. I had to pop in at school a few days after Abby was born because it just so happened to be finals week and I had to verify grades. Another (female) teacher was all like, "So, you ready to have another kid yet??" implying from the general context of the conversation that childbirth was horrible. Me answering seriously--"I don't know if I'll have another." Her answering from her "lofty"-because-she-has-2-kids perch just scoffed at me with a "Yeah, right..." This was the same teacher that assured me that I would be miserable at the end of it all. Guess what you-think-that-you're-being-funny-and-helpful teacher, I wasn't miserable! I really don't know if I want more children not because labor was horrible (it wasn't!) but because I'm just so darn happy with us as we are now. There really is something to be said for just feeling complete.

This has turned into a sappy digression. Thanks for staying with me.

So I just really love having Abby. I'm sure that I've said or implied this before, but I just can't get over how good this feels. This is the coolest thing ever. And if I had to choose today whether to have another child sometime in the future or just stay as is, I really think that I'd choose Abby. But, wierdly enough, I just know that if we try to have another one, it will be a boy. And I don't want a boy personally, though they are quite lovely, I'm sure. I'm not sure why, but they just kinda freak me out a bit to be responsible for one.

I'm part of a corner group (we all sit at a specific corner) who all have babies within a month or so of each other at my weekly Mom's meeting group (really, a highlight of my week!). I have friends there! It's shocking, I know. Me, the person who is intimidated by strangers, actually has made friends with people all by myself. Half of us have girls and half have boys. Those little guys just seem so foreign to me. They're cute and all that, but ... they're not girls. I don't know how else to articulate it than that. Color me odd. Case in point--I really dig my 2 nieces. They rock and we have a blast playing together. I also have a nephew, but I just don't get him. He's not all that into me, either. I love him, but we've not really bonded yet. Maybe the timing is just wrong with him. I'm all wrapped up in Abby now and don't have as much time to learn about his little 1 1/2 year old person. So all in all, I guess God knows what he's doing and gave me a gift in more ways than one.

2 comments:

Crystal said...

Hi. It's uplifting to read your writing when you are in such a happy, contented space. I'm glad that mom-world is treating you well. (Did Chris pay you to write that labor wasn't hard?) :-)

The Erudite Lit-ite said...

He did give me a bottle of yummy wine once... :-D