Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I can do this, but I don't have to like it.

I've kinda felt a bit like a pouty kid lately. I've been walking around with pessimistic, self-pitying blinders on. My mind has been running a pretty steady ticker tape stream of woe-is-me and poor-me and everyone-feel-badly-for-me-because-I'm-bound-and-determined-to-be-miserable thoughts.

I have to go back to work.
I have to leave my beautiful baby girl in someone else's care every day now.
I have so much work to do at school.
I have so much work to do at home cleaning up every night.
I have so much homework for my class that I'm in the middle of. (And, frankly, this one is a valid gripe. At least to me.)
I have it sooooo rough.

I walked into my classroom Monday morning, ready to weep at this "first" in Abby's life, a rather ubiquitous first full day at the babysitter's. The day was a barrage of "Welcome back"s with "So are you ready to be back?" (um...impossible) and "Do you miss your daughter yet?" (um...what do you think, really?). A most tiring day.

But somewhere in the midst of the clutterish mess that my desk turned into and the 80+ snarky little freshman staring at me either with fright or defiance and the lunchtime spent at my computer with tears one ill-advised thought away from falling, I also remembered how incredibly lucky I've been to have been able to stay home for 9 solid months with my daughter. I remembered what a fantastically rich trove of memories I have to draw from when I just can't bear to grade another pitiful attempt to write a complete sentence. I remembered that there would undoubtedly be a sweet sweet little face smiling at me when I walked in the door at the end of the day. And so I managed to amend my thoughts so that they run something like this:

I get to go work each day.
I trust my baby's caregiver. I know that she is cared for, safe, happy, and learning every day.
I enjoy desk work. I really kind of do. (Note--this doesn't include grading. ha.)
I can control, to some extent, what affects Abby with only a few minutes of effort every evening.
I do not have to bring grading home with me at night if I am careful at school.
I still have so much homework in the class I'm taking at Ball State. I can't justify my way around this one. Kidding. I was able to finish almost all of the reading for the rest of the semester before I returned to work.

I have it sooooo rough. Whatever. I have it soooooo good.

1 comment:

EricandLeslie said...

So true and well put. I have to remind myself of similar blessings all the time. No matter what circumstances we're in, I think it's easy to have those blinders on. I think you're just being a good role model for Abby - being able to teach, be a student and be a great mom all at the same time!